Many of us find it difficult to believe that God could look at us and smile. ~James Bryan Smith
The topic was God’s grace.
Yet I had to force a smile, and wave away puzzled concern as I sprinted from the conference center for the safety of my car. Somewhere between there and home I pulled over and parked. I couldn’t see to drive.
A life-time of unspent tears flowed from somewhere deep in my stoic Scandinavian frame. An hour and a kleenex box later I wasn’t done, but others would worry. I stumbled into the house, mumbled something about a headache, and stared wet-eyed at the dark ceiling until sleep finally came.
The next morning, alone with my coffee and confusion, I took stock. In that compassion-saturated auditorium I had let down my guard. The grace of God collided with my well-crafted self-image, and I saw it–the ugliest, most hated part of me.
Favored Sins
You probably have one too. A favored sin, deep-rooted and tightly wound, it reaches into the fabric and fibre of your identity. I didn’t know the name of mine until recently. It has a Latin name, Invidia, one of the 7 Deadly Sins. In modern times we call it Envy, and shrug it off. But, with eyes cleared by honest confession, I had seen myself twisted in its grip.
Worse, I knew that God had seen it too.
The next day I opened the book I had purchased between seminars, Embracing the Love of God,* by James Bryan Smith. By the end of chapter two I recognized my wound. Shame–an ancient emotion reaching back to Eden’s shrubbery, and a hissing voice, “Whatever you do, don’t let God see you now.”
But God had seen me, and his response left me undone. Not repelled, He drew closer. And under the inviting gaze of Jesus, I could admit the truth. I am both precious and perverse. And I am loved.
Grace
“Grace,” assures Dr. Smith, “heals our shame not by trying to find something good and lovely within us that is worth loving, but by looking at us as we are; the good and the bad, the lovely and the unlovely, and simply accepting us. God accepts us with the promise that we will never be unacceptable to him.”
(Romans 5:8 Romans 15:7 1 John 4:10)
*One in series on this blog, Fifteen Books That Found Me.
Is it difficult to believe God’s acceptance runs that deep? Do you know it to be true for you?
9 replies on “Grace For An Ugly Space”
So with you on the shame front, Janet. For me shame was that feeling that there was something wrong with me – but not in the same way that there is something wrong with all of us. It was as if I was not like other people, that God could love. It was one of those rumbling, out-of-sorts kind of feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on. And when God did help me identify it and put words to it, and I spoke it out loud, it sounded absurd. My experience of coaching has shown me that shame often forms when a child sees or witnesses something that feels wrong to them, but that the adults around them fail to acknowledge or treat as normal. Obviously, this could be abuse, but maybe another kind of family cover-up like an alcoholic relative, but can be as simple as adults restraining their appropriate emotions. In a child’s mind if everyone else thinks something is normal and the child feel’s that it isn’t, then of course the child must be wrong, because ‘there is something wrong with me’. Children turn into adults and rarely root out this faulty belief, and the shame persists and taints their very identity. In my observation this is something that God loves to free his children from.
還有一首啦 “I Believe I Can Fly”副歌 I beveile I can flyI beveile I can touch the skyI think about it every night and daySpread my wings and fly awayI beveile I can soarI see me running through that open doorI beveile I can fly
Martin, your words are filled with insight–very helpful! Bless you!
Janet,
Your words, as always, pierce to the core. Your tagline, “Holding things up to the light” is an apt description. This is one of those topics that I would like to keep buried in the darkest corner of a closet somewhere. But true freedom only comes when our closets get emptied out. And those things that are most disturbing, when brought to the light, become moments of healing and grace. May it ever be so. Thank you for throwing stuff into the light and giving your readers the courage to do the same.
I love that image, Rebecca, of throwing stuff into the light–why not get rid of all of it? Courage…
I too identify with the stoic Scandinavian in me. All self effort – pull myself up by my own boot straps. That is what my immigrant grandparents did and was passed down to me through my parents. Take care of the shame and sin myself – hide it esp on Sunday mornings. It is exhausting. Learning about grace and mercy in Beth Moore study on James. Mercy – breath of fresh air.
“Hide it especially on Sunday mornings.” You hit the nail on the head for many of us, Silvie. Now soak in the grace and mercy that God reveals!
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You and your husband are do funny! I hope you all had a wdnuerfol Christmas! I saw your next post that you got snow. I look forward to seeing your dyeing!We are in Utah and have had tons of snow to play in. My kids have loved it. I however am ready to go back to Balmy San Diego.